Credit Where Credit Is Due

First off, I should give credit to the players in the World Cup. Despite the fact that I’ve paid very little (if any) attention to them, they’ve continued to play games at the World Cup. At least, that’s the impression I’ve been given from flipping through the channels, accelerating my channel-flipping speed as I approach any station that could potentially be showing soccer highlights. It’s good that they haven’t decided to quit or are trying any less hard simply because I’m not watching. I’d hate to be the one responsible for that happening.

Here’s the first entertaining article about the World Cup that I’ve come across - it's definitely worth a read in my opinion.

I think my TV downloaded a virus

The other night I watched the movie Firewall. It stars Harrison Ford as the V.P. of Security for a bank. Some guys want to rob the bank by holding Indiana Jones’s family hostage and hacking into the bank’s servers. It was an ok movie, but that’s beside the point.

For the past two days, my computer didn’t have internet access. Somehow while watching a DVD on my TV about computer hackers, my computer stopped working. That is amazing. I don’t know how they did it, but I’m impressed (in a frustrated kind of way) by their skill level. I’m also frustrated with what they’ve done to my computer, so I need to figure out which movie to watch to get my computer back working again. I guess I also need to download some anti-virus software for my TV.

While watching the movie, I realized that either there is something wrong with the movies I’ve been watching lately or there is something wrong with me. I’ve watched a few movies recently where the bad guy(s) hold the good guy/girl/family, etc hostage to facilitate some evil deed. The movies are all sort of Die Hard-esque movies, but with one major problem – I wasn’t cheering for the ‘good guy’ to succeed.

In Red Eye, some terrorist holds a hotel manager hostage on a flight so that they can get some government official moved to a different room in the hotel so that they can assassinate him. Or steal his towels from his room. Or something along those lines. Unfortunately, I found the hostage to be so whiny that I was hoping the terrorist would kill her. My version of the movie would have ended much sooner, but that wouldn’t have been a huge loss. The actress was from The Wedding Crashers, but apparently requires some combination of Vince Vaugh and/or Owen Wilson to be worth watching.

In Flight Plan, Jodie Foster can’t find her child (or bag of peanuts) on a flight. Everyone around her denies her even having a child on the plane, and she goes crazy while looking for the child. Or peanuts. The big drama of the movie is whether the child has somehow gone missing on a plane or whether the child never existed. I think the movie makers wanted me to care about Jody Foster’s problem, but in actual fact I didn’t. I was hoping that the child never existed and that she was just fucking crazy. After all, watching Jody Foster freak out on a 6-hour flight does have a certain charm. Unfortunately, yet again they didn’t let me write the script.

In Firewall (the only fire in the movie was in fact closer to a car than to a wall), the terrorists/bank robbers/hackers hold Hans Solo’s family hostage as leverage to get him to help them rob the bank. Unfortunately, without Chewbacca around to slap some sense into his head, he was a slow learner and kept ignoring them. The entire family was annoying me enough that I would have sided with the bad guys had they decided to hurt one of the kids in order to motivate Indy off his ass and start eRobbing some banks. Instead, it turned into yet another movie where highly trained baddies get foiled by an unarmed guy, his family, their dog, & his secretary (and who isn't tired of seeing that one?). Plus all the rain during the movie looked fake to me. How do you screw up rain when making a movie?

So the question is – why are the people making movies today unable to make a sympathetic character to care about? The entire key to a hostage-type movie is that the viewer has to care about the person in danger, and not hope that they get shot/knifed/punched/kneed in the teeth/wedgied/whatever. They’re hoping for a response like “No! The kid has a nut allergy! Don’t feed him cookies with peanut oil in them! NO!!!!!!!!”, whereas I feel like “Who cares – the kid had a good run while it lasted”.

A.D.D. & Heat

What do you get when you combine Attention Deficit Disorder with really hot weather?

What were we talking about again? I forgot.

Hey - are you looking for an excuse to drink? If so, check here.

The Screeching Monkey Returns

Well, the screeching monkey has apparently returned to my neighbourhood, and picked 6:00am to declare his presence. I’m all for monkeys hanging out and enjoying the surroundings, but all I ask is that they keep their early morning screeching to a minimum.

If anyone has misplaced a monkey and would like him/her/it back, please let me know. The monkey was last heard (but not seen) in the vicinity of my bedroom window.

Hooked On Coke

I think I might have a coke problem. I wasn’t into it the first time I had it, but now I want some every day. As soon as I’ve had some, I can’t wait until the next time. I worry about where I can get it, because it isn’t just something that you can get at any given store. Does anyone else feel this way about Black Cherry Vanilla Coke™ ? Luckily I have enough self-control to limit myself to one dose per day.

Coca Cola recently introduced a product to capitalize (by the way, shouldn’t ‘capitalize’ always be spelled with a big ‘C’?) on the massive popularity of Cherry Coke with the surging demand for Vanilla Coke by combining the two into Black Cherry Vanilla Coke. As an added bonus, whatever highly addictive ingredient that was in Vanilla Coke has been doubled for the BCVC recipe. If you never had a Vanilla Coke (or only had it once), you’re probably not familiar with this addictive ingredient. But if you had it more than twice, I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.

For those of you laughing at the name, you’re clearly not familiar with Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper. Much like the razor battles that are currently going on (Two blades! Three blades! Four blades & a built-in tooth brush! Five blades & a time share!!!), the cola companies appear to be lodged in some sort of war about how many flavours can be combined into one can. I’m personally looking forward to Diet Marshmallow Cherry Lime Coke, although I’ve also heard good things about Caffeine Free Rootbeer Orange 9-Up.

I’d write more, but I need to go see if I have any BCVC in the fridge.

So…I guess this now means it’s baseball season

Now that the Stanley Cup playoffs are over and the hockey season has ended, I guess this now means it is officially ‘Ignoring Baseball Season’. This isn’t to be confused with ‘Ignoring the Soccer World Cup’, which is also going on right now. Here is a guide to help you tell the two sports that you’re currently ignoring apart:

Baseball: only has one name
Soccer: can fool you into caring by being referred to as ‘Football’ some of the time.

Baseball: ignoring it is an annual event
Soccer: much like synchronized swimming, the world cup needs to be ignored only every 4 years.

Baseball: approximately 15 pointless (as in meaningless) games to ignore each day
Soccer: approximately 3 pointless (as in no goals scored) games to ignore each day

Baseball: games happen in this time zone, requiring ignoring the sport to happen during the evening
Soccer: due to the time zone difference between Germany & North America, the games are easy to ignore as they happen during the morning. It is actually possible to sleep in and miss some games completely.

Baseball: The game is so slow that players can actually eat sunflower seeds or chewing tobacco while playing.
Soccer: The game is so slow that fans often riot to keep awake during long scoreless stretches.

Baseball: Fans like to refer to baseball as “America’s Past Time”, although America’s Past Time has since become eating fast food and starting wars with Arab countries.
Soccer: The hopes & dreams of entire countries get placed on the backs of their soccer team. If the team wins, it’s a great excuse to drink. If the team loses, it’s a great excuse to riot. Or vice versa.

Drive-through Petting Zoo

I’m not completely sure, but I might be living in some sort of drive-thru petting zoo. Although there is probably a more logical explanation for some weird things that have been going on lately, that’s the explanation I’m going with for now.

The other morning while sleeping (or at least trying to), I was woken up by what sounded like a monkey screeching. I haven’t seen many monkeys in the mountains of Canada, but with all this global warming stuff that’s been going on lately, I guess it was only a matter of time until they showed up here. I don’t know why it was screeching, but it felt some sort of need to wake me up at the crack of mid-morning.

Then the next day (or a few days later – I have a poor grasp of time when I’m sleeping/getting woken up), I hear some different random noises outside. Initially I think it’s some jackass neighbour rearranging the contents of his car trunk and garbage cans at 5:30am, but then eventually realize that it sounds more like a bear rummaging through some garbage cans looking for food. Or porn (I don’t know enough about bears to know for sure). I get out of bed, look out the window, and sure enough there is a bear walking directly towards my front door.

Although this nature moment was kind of cool (after all you don’t get that many chances to watch a bear from up close, even in Whistler), I decide that seeing as how it’s 5:30am that my priority was to go back to bed. As tired as I may have been, my brain keeps me awake with thoughts such as “Is the front door locked?” and then “Is this the kind of bear that’s smart enough to open doors?”.

Well, as it turns out it didn’t matter. When I woke up in the morning, there was no sign of the bear coming inside my house (I’m not sure what signs to look for, but I imagine that it would try to make oatmeal and/or sleep in a bed if the books I read as a child are correct). Best of all, that screeching monkey hasn’t been seen since. Take that, monkey!

Recent Yahoo Headline: ‘NWA, flight attendants plan new talks’

Am I the only one who finds it interesting that the rappers from NWA and flight attendants are planning further discussions? I guess both groups do get high on a regular basis, but what purpose could their talks have? Are they looking to come to some sort of agreement on a new policy regarding whether seats need to be in the upright position for take offs & landings? Are they talking about the peanut rationing that’s been going on lately? (They probably won’t admit it, but maybe they just love a mouthful of nuts and are disappointed that flight attendants are preventing them from this during flights.) Maybe they’re trying to organize some sort of trade of guns & drugs for mini pillows & blankets – each having what the other truly wants. Regardless, it’s good to see that they’re continuing their discussions and hopefully we’ll hear news of a resolution to the conflict soon.

Am I in two-thirds of a hospital room?

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net




I think this post has an extra serving of Attention Deficit Disorder - a quote from Arrested Development, something from Cyanide and Happiness, and something from Clerks 2.

Pokerstars – Raining Kids & Dogs

Despite spending plenty of time on a computer, you may have noticed that I update this blog inconsistently. Cough*everyfewmonths*cough. Where does all my time go? Well like countless other people, I’ve been known to spend some time playing online poker. And by ‘some’ I mean ‘hooked on’. But that hasn’t been a bad thing – after all I have won enough pretend money to live pretend comfortably on for several pretend years. I just need to figure out how to turn Pokerstars play money into cold hard cash. Does anyone know the current exchange rate between play money and the Canadian dollar?

Regardless of which table you end up playing at on Pokerstars, the odds are that someone will have a picture of a child or pet. Why are there pictures you ask? Well, it’s because Pokerstars allows each user to have a photo to make each person more ‘unique’. Unfortunately as mentioned before, many people feel some sort of need to put up pictures of their kids or pets. After all, when you’re playing poker online for hours on end and neglecting your loved ones, it’s nice to have a reminder of who you’re ignoring. Sometimes, if you’re really lucky, you’ll end up at a table with so many photos of animals and kids you might mistakenly think you’ve ended up at a petting zoo.

Normally I try to avoid letting my emotions get the better of me when playing (called ‘tilting’), but if I’m playing against someone with a photo of a particularly ugly child I do have to admit to wanting to beat them even more than normal. If you’re going to subject other people to look at your ugly child, then you should be prepared to face the (pretend) consequences.

If you play poker online and you're up against someone with a bad photo of a child or pet, and you want to beat them for me I'd appreciate it. Additionaly, if you want to tell them to 'take that, f***er' afterwards, it's entirely up to you.

Advertising Canada To Canadians

Apparently now that the exchange rate between the Canadian dollar& the US dollar has ‘improved’ (depending on what currency you have and what currency you want), the Canadian government feels a need to prevent its citizens from running for the border now that Canadians can actually afford to go to the US. The Canadian government has taken to advertising how great this country is, hoping that we’ll pack up the kids and drive the family to tourist destinations inside the country.

In general, it’s a good idea. After all, everyone probably should experience what their country has to offer. I’m sure Medicine Hat, Alberta is great in the…summer? I wouldn’t know – do you? I do live in a tourist town, so the more tourists who come here the better our local economy is.

I don’t have a problem with the concept, I have a problem with the commercials that they’re making to get their point across. They go to some famous European tourist attraction (Eiffel Tour, The Coliseum, etc), add a ‘local’ (more likely a Canadian actor making a bad attempt at a French/Italian/etc accent), block the Canadian’s view of the famous attraction while talking about visiting something or other in Canada.

This description only covers the first eight seconds or so of the commercials. What happens after that I have no idea, as by then I’ve frantically changed the channel to something less sucky. For all I know the commercial ends with the Canadian pulling a gun on the local and killing them (unlikely) or with them comparing notes on their favourite doughnuts from Tim Horton’s (quite likely if ads for Tim Horton’s are to be believed, or if Timmy Ho’s kicked in some $ for the ads). The point is I don’t really know how they end because of how much the first few seconds annoy me.

Maybe that is the idea. Canadians are now less likely to want to travel to either Paris or Rome because of how aggravating the locals are. “Don’t go to France, if the people in Paris find out that you’re Canadian they won’t stop talking about how much fun they had at the Maple Syrup Festival they attended”). If Canadians are less likely to go to Europe, then they are theoretically more likely to spend their hard-earned money in Canada. Mission accomplished.

Here’s how the script for the unaired commercial in the series goes:
The scene opens with the camera looking towards the Matterhorn. A Swiss jackass walks into camera view, and talks to the camera as if it was a Canadian.
“Are you Canadian? I was there last year and loved it. We drove through the Rockies. It was unbelievable! Unfortunately, our car broke down and had it towed to the nearest town. While waiting for the car to get repaired, we got ultra-drunk and picked up some local whores to pass the time. Eventually we were able to get to our destination, where the rental car company charged us some sort of ‘Car Breakage Fee’. The nerve of those cash-grabbing rental bastards! Ah…Canada – what a great country. By the way – do you have any Tim Horton’s coffee to spare?”

Too much time on their hands? You're missing the point.

What happens when you combine 200 litres of Diet Coke with 500 Mentos mints? This is what happens.

You could argue that these two guys have way too much time on their hands, but then you would be missing the entire point of the internet. Where would the internet be if it wasn't for people with too much spare time?

Coming up next...30 seconds of anger-inducing marketing...

Hate, rage, & anger are strong words, yet I’m hard pressed to think of anything more appropriate to describe for how I feel when certain commercials come onto the TV. But not all anger-inducing commercials are the same. There are different types of anger that commercials can cause.

Level 1 – Faded Glory – A very mild form of anger caused by seeing a once-funny ad too many times. Whatever little amusement the commercial once brought to you has since been replaced by a combination of annoyance & familiarity. Sort of like a family reunion for many people.

Level 2 – Overexposure – A slightly stronger form of anger than Level 1 caused by overexposure to a commercial with no redeeming qualities. It was annoying the first time and isn’t exactly getting any better. Unlike red wine, this does not get better with age. How is it possible for a theoretically harmless 30 second advertisement to crush your soul a little bit everytime you watch it?

Level 3 – Rageoholism – A very strong level of hatred, produced by the kind of commercial that leads you to wonder if the Supreme Court has yet ruled on whether marketing-induced homicide is indeed illegal, as only harming those that are responsible for producing this advertisement can make you feel better. Put down the handcuffs, dull knife & bottle of vinegar (unless you have a good lawyer) and switch the channel to something else - unless the previous commercial caused you to throw your TV out the nearest (hopefully open) window, in which case you have more pressing concerns.

Level 4 – Rageoholism Deluxe –A Level 4 commercial produces such strong levels of rageoholism in the viewer that it frequently leads to injuries amongst those watching it, as everyone scrambles for the remote control to change the channel as quickly as possibly to something less aggravating. By the way, everything other than a Level 4 commercial ever broadcasted in the history of television has been considered less aggravating than a Level 4 commercial. Additionally, this type of commercial also results in a strong desire to not only not buy products from the company being advertised but to proceed directly to their competition. In extreme situations, it has been known to cause the viewer to first stop by a bank to seek a loan so as to provide even more business to the competition.

This level produces such a strong level of anger that it can be summarized by two words ‘Moneytree Caterpiller’. You know what I mean.

Love It Or Hate It

This is the kind of comic in which you will either love it or hate it. If you're in the hate it category, I'm sorry for your loss.



On the other hand, this is the kind of comic that makes me wish I had better art skills so I could make my own comic. Just imagine the multimedia jackassery that would be possible!