Send In The Clowns - The Downside To Ski Season, Part II

An unofficial continuation to last week’s post about some of the rarely talked about downsides to the ski season – this time talking about some of the idiotic fashion attempts seen on the snow.

The Man Purse
All across society, there are countless stupid fashion ideas that become a fad, and skiing & snowboarding are no different. The airblaster (A.K.A. The Man Purse) is at the top of this list. Don’t know what an ‘airblaster’ is? Don’t worry - you’re not missing much.

Essentially, it’s a pocket that you attach around your leg. If you’re thinking it sounds stupid, you’d be right. Despite the fact that any given snowboarder or skier who wears one probably has 6+ pockets on their jacket and pants already, they feel some sort of need to attach another pocket to themselves. After all, why use proper pockets when you can spend money on a useless pocket? Additionally, it has a stupid name. This retarded stepchild of the snow world has nothing to do with air or blasting.

What do people put into their man purse? Who the fuck cares, they’re wearing a man purse strapped to their fucking leg.





Above: Airblaster - with & without optional jackass

Flair
On the snow, ‘flair’ can mean one of two things. It can refer to a backflip 180 in a half pipe by a skier (strangely enough, the same move performed by a snowboarder is simply called a backflip 180, but for skiers it’s called a flair), or it can refer to the useless shit hanging off of a skier or snowboarder to make them look ‘cool’. As an example, think of the movie Office Space. Typically the items hang from the belt or pant pockets. Possible items include: a season pass, a bandana, helmet (because a helmet hanging from your pants is as fashionable as it is comfortable).

What purpose does this flair serve? The answers seem to range from ‘Fuck all’ to ‘Umm…it seemed like a good idea at the time. Plus, I saw some other people doing it so I did it as well.’


Much like last time I’m sure I’m forgetting some other equally annoying traits about ski season, but I’m heading up the mountain tomorrow and I’m sure I’ll be reminded about a few more examples of stupidity...

Edit: Here's a link to an article I found when I typed 'ski flair' into Google. Definitely worth a read in my opinion.

Edit 2: The photos don't seem to want to work. Maybe someone at Blogger is fond of the ol'man purse.

The Rarely Talked About Downsides To Ski Season

When you live in a ski town, opening day for the winter season is unquestionably the most important day in town all year long. Not only is it hugely important for the economic well-being of the entire town (typically a good thing), but the mood of the entire town gets elevated as well. It’s great to be back riding on the snow again, and as near as I can tell there are countless other skiers & snowboarders around here who feel similar. Saying that, there are a few things about the winter season that I’m not looking forward to:

- Overheard inane conversations on chairlifts. Going drinking & driving in Israel with Mel Gibson would be more enjoyable than some of the conversations that you’re forced to endure during the winter. These conversations usually feature reoccurring characters such as Grumpy Old Dude, Captain Asshat and his sidekick Sir Useless Fuck, Junior Jackass and his friend The Teen Dumb-venger, and others.

- Telemark Skier attitude. Ok, we get it already. You think you’re better than everyone else because you have intentionally chosen a less functional variation of skiing. If you want to do something that will make each turn much harder and will offer less control, you can either buy expensive telemark equipment or you can find some old skis with dull edges and use them while keeping your boots undone. Different sports? Yes. Same general idea? Also yes.

- Stupid hats. No where else in modern society is wearing a hat so stupid looking that everyone you come across thinks less of you as a human considered a good idea, so why does it seem like a good idea when you’re skiing? A few years ago, a friend & I came up with a theory that you can either be a good skier/snowboarder OR you can wear a stupid hat, but you can’t be both. After years of extensive testing, I am ready to report that our initial hypothesis has been proven 100% correct.

'Does this hat make me look like a fucktard?'

I’m sure there are a few other things that I’m forgetting from this list, but I’m sure I’ll come across them soon enough.

Amish-style

This time yesterday, I was Amish. I wasn’t intentionally Amish, but rather I was stuck in the middle of a power failure. The power outage was due to a fierce storm that was pounding (or for those fond of metric - ‘kilogramming us’) with snow, rain, & wind. Yes, we were back in the midst of some arc-building weather. I would have resumed building the arc I started last week, but the weather was bad outside and I didn’t really want to get wet.

Anyway, back to the lack of power issue. What do you do when you’re stuck in a house without any power? Nothing, of course. The list of things you can’t do without power is much shorter than the list of things you can do without power. As a result, I kicked it old-school (library) style – I grabbed a book, I found a chair by a window, and I read.

"...so he says his horse & buggy is faster than my horse & buggy. I telleth him to bringeth it, and he telleth me that 'it's already broughten'..."

Our power outage lasted for a little over two hours, after which time we could return to modern civilization. When it was over I also shaved my Amish-inspired beard, but in all honesty it didn’t get all that long during the power outage.

"These are O.R. scrubs." "Oh, are they?"

Cyanide & Happiness

No orangutan references today...maybe tomorrow

Time for an arc?

It’s been raining here for the past six days. Saying it’s been raining is actually an understatement. I’ve been hearing weather forecasts estimating how much rain we’ll get any given day in inches. As a general rule, any time you’re measuring rain in inches, you’re getting a lot of rain. One article I read yesterday had estimates that some areas have received over a foot of rain in just a few days.

You're gonna need a bigger boat

Because of this, I think it might be time to head down to the hardware store and stock up on some arc-building supplies. I don’t have much (ok, I don’t have any) experience with building boats, but I think I remember the general idea of the story from the bible. Although I imagine that building a water-proof floating vessel will be a challenge, I think trying to locate & organize a pair of every animal around will be a bigger challenge.

Frustration Is Frustrating.

I have just realized that I seem to be addicted to frustration. I have no idea why. After all, this wasn’t an intentional decision. Additionally, I doubt I’m any fonder of frustration than anyone else. A smarter person would walk away from the activities that cause the frustration. Yet, I keep going back, like a heroin addict looking for a bit more smack.

In the summer, I frequently played disc golf. Disc golf is a great activity, especially if you’re looking for something to do with a group of friends that involves exercise, fresh air, and large doses of swearing at inanimate objects such as trees, rocks, the wind, plastic discs, etc. No matter how great your round might be going, the likelihood of a quality swearing opportunity is virtually guaranteed. So much so, it usually pays off to memorize some quality swear word combinations. Something such as cock-sucking monkey-fucker is great for those who feel each word in a combo move makes them feel better, or shitfuck for those that prefer a quick Tourette's-style burst.

Now that the weather has transitioned from fall to winter (the snow on the ground is typically a good indication of this change over), my disc golf time has become video game time. Ahh…video games – how I despise thee. The government/religious right/etc are quick to condemn them for the violence they contain, yet no one ever mentions how frustrating they are. Sure, the frustration may be caused by your inability to kill various characters in the game, but that's besides the point. Although it might feel nice at the time, there is no documented proof that yelling at the screen will make your character play better the next time. Of course, you can't put a price on how nice it feels to let loose with a “Hey shit stick – I wanted you to fucking shoot that one guy and then fucking jump over that railing, not roll sideways on the ground like you’re trying to show off your fucking break dancing moves after too much tequila. You fucking deserved that grenade that hit you in the ass. Fucking scrape your brain matter & genitalia off the wall and do it right this time.”

I also am fond of playing fantasy football. I’m not really sure why, as it’s been a huge source of frustration to me so far this season. The good news is that there are two upsides to the frustration caused by fantasy football. One is that it only happens on a weekly basis, leaving you with 5-6 days to enjoy your freedom from the fantasy football-induced anger. The second is that it’s a great reason to swear at the TV at random football players for not doing better and at their coaches for playing the other running back. “What the fuck is Brandon Jacobs doing on the field? Put Tiki Barber in, you fucktards!” or “Don’t throw the ball to Plaxico Burress, throw it to Jeremy Shockey. I don’t care if he’s a jackass, I need him to score some points.”.

Do I have a point to all this rambling and needless swearing? Not really, but it’s amazing how much better you feel after a few random ‘fucktard’ & ‘cock-sucking monkey-fuckers’ comments.

(note: CSMF can be replaced with ‘Pussy-Licking Orangutan-Fondlers’ for those that prefer)